Lesley Cappellaro

Lesley has spent her life helping people to get a mortgage and buy the house of their dreams. She has worked in building societies and is now a regional manager at Barclays Bank, which she loves. She proudly told me the bank is not at all ageist.

We met when I was preparing a keynote speech for the trade magazine, Mortgage Solutions - she was on a later panel and had an interesting story.

She says, "When I turned 60 I suddenly noticed the language and thinking around me changed. I have never particularly discussed it, but I see myself as working for another ten or more years. I didn't hide my age - why would I? But people around me started saying, 'When are you going to retire?'

"It was a real shock. Retirement just isn't on my agenda. I certainly have no plans for it and am loving my job. Why did people suddenly assume that one birthday changed everything - and gave them permission to make what is actually a really ageist comment? It happened so much, I found myself thinking - should I retire? Then shaking myself, it was not what I wanted and I had to hold on to this."

Lesley was a real advocate for her bank and adamant that they weren't in the least bit ageist. Now was my chance to test out a theory I had been developing.

"Do you have annual appraisals," I ask.

"Oh yes, of course," comes her reply.

"So do you get asked where you see yourself in, say, ten years' time and what training and development you need to get there?"

"Oh." Silence. "Nooo, I don't."

I went on to ask if she had been asked these questions when she was younger and yes, was the answer. So when did they stop?

Lesley thought for a bit, clearly rather shocked, "I suppose when I was about 55". Bingo! My theory was proved.

Ageism is acceptable in everyday life. And we have to change this. Let's just imagine this discussion in a racial, gender or disability parallel.

First a racist comparison. You turn to a colleague and say, "You've done so well here - are you thinking of going back to your own country soon?" You can hear the intake of breath? This question assumes difference and presumes a life stage that is not yours to decide. The question, "When are you going to retire?" should be just as offensive.

Now let's imagine asking a 31-year old woman in a senior role, "So when are you going to have children?" Again, are you cringing even to imagine this?! It is intrusive and makes assumptions about her, her life and plans at work. HR would rightly stamp this out as sexist.

And finally, let's try a disability analogy. You turn to a colleague who uses a wheelchair and ask, sympathetically, "Are you thinking of slowing down, this job must exhaust you?" It would most definitely be discriminatory.

Yet replace any of these examples with age comments and they are seen as harmless chat. No-one wants bureaucracy at work, but HR teams need to sharpen up and start challenging and making examples of this casual bias around age.